This week in China

This week in China

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Probing me softly

China is one corrupt place. The other day, we had to bribe the entire cleaning staff with Gucci bags just so they wouldn’t report the meth lab we’re operating in the conference room. And it turns out China got a little bit dirtier this week, according to Transparency International’s annual corruption index. The country slipped from the 75th to 80th least corrupt country, putting it alongside Trinidad and Tobago (It’s those Tobaggons you have to watch out for, a slippery bunch if ever there was). Within China, some places are worse than others. In Sichuan, corruption appears to go all the way to the top; officials are "probing" Li Chuncheng, deputy party secretary of Sichuan province. While the report consisted of unnamed sources saying very vague things, always a good sign it’s something juicy, our bet is that Li was building a 100-meter pool and filling it solely with ill-gotten Maotai. Don’t worry Li, you can beat the trumped up charges. Just look to Huaxia Bank’s scapegoating of some low-level worker for failing wealth management products. Surely there’s some peon with no decision-making capability that you can blame all of this on - maybe a sub-viceroy of plumbing or a director of cooch poking? We think Huaxia is definitely on to something. The next item on Xi Jinping’s agenda: firing every deputy vice municipal minister of garbage collection. Corruption solved!